Rant: No Farting On Airplanes, Please

Flying etiquette has gone right down the toilet.  Yesterday, as I'm sitting in the gate area, waiting to board the plane, people are stuffing down food like it might run away if they don't eat fast enough.  Then, they burp loudly to announce to the world that they consumed a sandwich bigger than their head in less than two minutes.  I have to wonder if they chew at all.

But farting is saved for the plane.

We all know fart sillage.  Is it food?  Is it poop?  Nope, it's a fart.  All the way home (an almost three hour flight), every fifteen or twenty minutes, the silent green killer hits me in the face.  Since we're squished on the flight like sardines, it's hard to know who's responsible for this despicable act. Not that I would expect a confession.  Random farters are likely random liars.  'Nuh-uh, I didn't do it - I would never do something like that!'

After a few assaults, I get so annoyed that I become Ace Ventura, Fart Detective.  The guy in front of me keeps fidgeting around in his seat, which makes him my first suspect.  After every flare up, it's all I can do to keep from hitting the back of his chair with my palm and saying, 'hey, Baseball Cap, go take a dump or put a cork up your butt, just stop farting!'  But wait - what if Baseball Cap is an innocent victim, thinking the same thing as me, and it's actually Business Suit that's slipping out the silent stinkers?  No one's going to suspect him.  Or maybe it's Meaningless Comments guy sitting right next to me, who says things before takeoff like, 'boy, ya don't see mountains here, do ya?' and 'warmer here than California.'  He fits the profile.

I finally realize I'm wasting my time and I'll have to just deal with it. The flight is jammed, so there's nowhere else to go.  However, I do consider using the call light to request the flight attendant trade me places and catch the fart perp while I work the drink tray and spend 30 minutes saying, 'peanuts, pretzels or cookies?'  How hard can it be?

And why have I so benevolently decided not to wear perfume on airplanes? At least I could bury my nose in my elbow when someone decides to casually unleash farts throughout a flight.  Come to think of it, why can't I claim severe allergies to bad body odor, hair that hasn't been washed for weeks and, of course, farting.  None of them belong on an airplane, and let's face it, they make breathing difficult. 

Hmmm...I could end up working that cart, after all.

Image from gizmodo.com