Mom would have loved sharing this week's work drama. Together, we would have analyzed it from every angle. She might have said things like, 'I think you're pushing yourself too hard,' or 'are you sure you want that position?' In the end, though, she would have said what I most need to hear, 'know how much you're loved and I wish you the very best.'
Tuesday, the night before my interview, I longed to call her so that my experience could be reflected through her eyes. I had no idea how much I valued this until now, when life is in flux and I need the grounding connection that only a mother can provide.
Knowing I will never again be able to draw her into my world, or that whatever I might achieve, she will not be here to see it, is a lonely feeling indeed.
Wednesday night, I called Dad, just to check in and see how he was doing. I knew that if I talked about my day, and missing Mom, I would just blubber into the phone, which didn't seem helpful to him. So instead, we chatted for some time about his week and his plans for the upcoming weekend. Then he said, 'so what happened in your day?'
I lost it.
When I could, I told him exactly how I felt while he listened and empathized. Then I began sharing my day with him; the interview, the process and my feelings about it all. Even though our conversation was different than one I might have had with Mom, it was comforting and helped me feel less alone. As our talk was winding down, nearing goodbye, Dad said, "know that I love you and always wish you the very best.'
photo of my mother in May 2008
Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry that you lost your dear mother. I know that aching emptiness. It never really does go away, but it becomes more bearable over time, unless something reminds you again, and then suddenly, you're overwhelmed with fresh grief.
ReplyDeleteI am glad, however, that you are able to find some solace, if of a slightly different kind, in your father, who does sound wonderful as well.
I'll be thinking of you.
Just seeing the picture of mom made me ache for her...all the things we long to share with her! Sometimes it is overwhelming to know that she will never be on the other end of the phone...loved what you wrote...love you!
ReplyDeleteLBV, thank you for your kindness. Moments of grief can arise suddenly and powerfully as they have this week.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sending good thoughts my way.
Hi Mermaid - thanks for commenting and for walking through this journey with me. Much love to you, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd the circles start coming around.
ReplyDeleteBravo to dad, and to you for going ahead and seeing if the door would open. Nobody can be anybody else...but we can find more of who they are.
Whatever happens with the job situation and interview, I have a feeling you are going to navigate and handle it in the best possible way.
Hi Josephine,
ReplyDeleteI was touched by your story, knowing how raw the emotion of your mother's loss must be. In the first few months after losing a parent, that lurching feeling when you think to pick up the phone, before remembering that they are not there - it can be like a punch in the stomach. My parents separated many years before my mum's death, and I was not close to my father, so I am happy for you that your dad stepped up in the way he did.
my dear Josephine - I also know what it is like to lose a beloved parent. So wonderful that your father is there for you. Please know that I am sending much love to you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteHi ScentScelf - you're right on about finding more of who people are. Discovering my father in a new way has been pretty amazing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouragement about the interview process - much appreciated.
FS, it's comforting to know that others have been through the loss of a parent and come out the other side of grief. Thanks for your support.
ReplyDeleteBloody Frida, thank you for the love and *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThat means a lot!
I have to admit this post made me so sad. I realize I do a really good job on the day to day of pushing away all the sadness of everything we have gone through in the last year. I missed her last night, I dreamed about her and I really miss her a lot this morning. So much has changed. Thank you for helping me to tap into this emotion even though I resented it at first! I wanted a witty, clever entry. Thank you for being real. :-) I love you. Thanks for everthing.
ReplyDeleteLove, Your Baby Sister
Hey Baby Sister, thanks for your note. Better days are coming. Love you, too.
ReplyDeleteJosephine,
ReplyDeleteYou made me cry!
I still have both parents and can't fathom how hard it will be to lose them.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe missing and realizing how wonderful your Mom was is part of the whole cycle of life. Learning to appreciate... and I wish you more and more peaceful, joyous moments in the coming years.
hugs,
Abigail
Abigail, hello! Thank you for you kindness and your warm wishes. You're right that losing a loved one really makes one appreciate those left behind even more.
ReplyDeleteIt's really good to hear from you - thanks again for your comments.