Monday, June 27, 2011

Three Day Cleanse - Kale From Hell

Tonight ends day two of a three day 'cleanse.'

You know that I've been a little...stuck in my fitness plan.  My magazine says this cleanse promises up to five pounds of weight loss in three days.  

Just a nice little nudge to my current plateau.

This is no bizarre, out there, wacko sort of cleanse.  It's not like I'm fasting, or doing some kind of sea salt flush - okay, I've done that - or an enema, for heaven's sake. 

Jeez, give me a little credit.

No, this cleanse is 1800 calories a day of godawful food.  Each day's menu is different, which means - so far - worse than the day before.

But, come on, it's only three days, right?  Now I know why.  Any more than that and B-man would have to coax me off the ledge of the deck.  

With, like, a Happy Snack.

I swear I'll jump. 

And can we talk about kale?  That is some nasty shit.  Brown rice with no salt and pumpkin seeds?  Eating that for lunch today, I almost start crying. 

But here's the kicker.  Many of these recipes are time intensive, so I spend an hour cleaning, chopping, cooking and pureeing only to discover the result is nearly inedible.  It takes work to make food taste this bad.

Tonight, after I dish up my slop kale on a plate, B-man says, with a straight face, 'that looks good.'

For a minute there, I think I have prepared something I can actually consume.  But after several excruciating bites, I put my fork down (seething inside), throw the rest in the garbage and decide that hunger is the best alternative.

If I were sane at all, I would stop this madness and go back to eating a regular, healthy diet.  But now, I'm just pissed enough to insist on finishing all three days.

I don't care about the five pounds anymore.

No freakin' cleanse is getting the best of me.


  1. When I first started reading this post I thought "I should ask J for a copy of the cleanse" but by the end of it, I'm thinking 'ummm nope!' :)

  2. Brown rice with no salt is just nasssssty.

    But kale rocks. You do have to cook the heck out of it (this is probably why it's a staple of traditional Southern country cooking - my mother never managed to figure out that spinach does not require the same cooking time that kale does, and her spinach was always slimy). And it does need a bit of salt. And the classic way to eat it round these parts is with a splash of cider vinegar, though I imagine balsamic would be pretty good too.

    OTOH, balsamic vinegar probably would mess up the cleanse... which I am not anywhere near brave enough to bother with. Bleargh. It only works if you *feel* better, right?

  3. Hi Frida - actually the third day turned out to be kind of...delicious. If I were to do it again, I would skip the kale and the Swiss chard. And the soup. Everything else was doable. If you're curious, go to (this came from More magazine, one of my favorites).

  4. Hi Muse - I've actually had kale before and thought it was...okay. Reading your comment, I know that the 'saute for 3-4 minutes' instructions were bogus. No wonder it had the texture of rubber.

    The weird thing is, I felt great physically on the cleanse, but had a hard time wrapping my mind around the process mentally.

    Thanks for your comment - good to see you!



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