Grief has a flip side that no one talks much about.
As many of you know, my mother died in February, and this blog was created to honor her life and her love of perfume. My thoughts, and my grief, in the wake of her death, have shown up in numerous posts.
There are other thoughts I have yet to express because they extend beyond the typical conversations of grief. I hesitate, even now, to share them publicly.
You may not understand. You may think I'm disrespectful.
You may judge me as a daughter who does not love her mother enough.
God knows I have judged myself.
Nevertheless, I feel compelled to be honest about my journey, which brings me to say:
Some things are easier now.
I feel completely free now.
One of my mother's best attributes was her ability to observe small details and take great pains to make sure her endeavors turned out right. In other words, she was a classic perfectionist.
As any perfectionist knows, this quality is a double-edged sword. It created a challenge in our relationship because I am quirky and stubborn and I resist being managed.
For Mom and me, the details of our individual differences often got in the way of intimate connection. The end of this journey results in feelings of sadness, and also, relief.
Our family is striving to find a new normal and figure out where everyone fits. We are all forever changed, discovering each other as new people - different than we were before.
From here, anything is possible.
For the past two days, I've been wanting to write this post. Tonight, influenced by Inner Critic, I talk myself out of it and decide to write something else.
For an hour, nothing comes.
Paralyzed with writer's block, I call Dad for a brief chat. Cautiously, I mention this topic to him, not sure how he will respond, hoping never to hurt him with my written words. He listens carefully and then gives me the very best advice.
'It's important to write what you feel, to write what's in your heart.'
I will always love you, Mom.
picture from commons.wikimedia.org