Thursday, December 16, 2010

Christmas Letter Topics That Annoy Me

Please re-think the following topics in your Christmas letter:

1)  The Travelogue.  So you hiked through Yellowstone and then drove to Colorado and got a flat tire somewhere in Idaho then stayed with your brother in Wyoming and drove on down to see your wife's cousin who just recently came back from California where he.....blah...blah...blah.    Your single-spaced essay just robbed ten minutes of my life that I will never get back.

2)  Your Grandkids.  I'm certain that little Johnny and Sally are precious and fascinating.  But only to you.  When, exactly, did your own identity disappear? 

3)  House Remodel.  The new insulation in your home, which increased its efficiency, may be the highlight of your year.  But it doesn't belong in a Christmas letter. Neither does your renovated bathroom. 

4)  Religion/Politics.  I always knew you were conservative, but now I also know that gay people are just wrongedy wrong wrong.  Says so right there in the bible, plain as day.  You've stocked up on guns and ammunition this year to protect yourself from those socialist bastards.  And the Mexicans are ruining everything.  God bless America. 

5)  Your Perfect Life.  Your children are beautiful, brilliant and highly successful.  You are a pillar of strength in the community and you and your mate have never, ever had a fight.  You've traveled the world this year, never experienced something as pedestrian as a flat tire, and your home has always been immaculate...and insulated.  You hope that, somehow in my pitiful existence, I can find a fraction of the bliss that you enjoy every single day.

Your Christmas letter is more than welcome if it informs me (briefly, about You), entertains me or makes me laugh out loud.

Otherwise, a simple card would be lovely.

Picture from


  1. My favorite Christmas Letters are the ones that desperately try to find some accomplishments on the part of the 28-and-still-living-at-home Slacker Offspring (i.e. "Dave's soccer team came in fifth in the locals! Go, Dave!"

    I agree. A nice card, a line or two, plenty.

  2. Oh, YES! I get one every year from a family with three amazing, brilliant & talented children. The husband has made up a fictional fourth child whose antics fill an additional 3 or 4 paragraphs. I shudder when I see the envelope in my mail. I was considering a Christmas letter of my own this year: 4 cats, no kids, kitchen finally done--end of story. Thanks for pulling me back from the brink!

  3. Hilarious!

    Not so hilarious was the holiday email I received yesterday that falls under the "Religion/Politics" category. My father seems to think nothing says "Happy Holidays" like thinly-veiled racism.

  4. Josephine, like queen_cupcake I was thinking of sending a Christmas letter, but am having second thoughts now. Luckily I have not travelled this year or insulated my home, although my heating did pack up and I dreamed of the travelling I used to do until my lovely (I hope talented in due course) children came along!

  5. Hi Olfacta - thanks for your comment! Yes, I love the letters that make it appear parents WANT their slacker adult children living at home. Fun stuff.

  6. queen_cupcake, hello! Oh, dear, I'm so sorry about the 'imaginary child' Christmas letter - that's a new approach! Go ahead with your letter. I have a feeling it would be one I'd like to read. Happy Holidays!

  7. Hi JoanElaine! You're right about people including many of their own 'thinly-veiled' messages in Christmas letters. Sometimes not so thinly-veiled. I'm always interested to see what people write - even the bad ones!

  8. Michael, I hope I didn't rain on your Christmas letter parade! We can look forward to the year you share details about your glorious, well-traveled life, your palatial home (with no repair issues whatsoever) and your beautiful and talented children (they're already beautiful...talented is just around the corner).

    Thanks for your comment - always great to hear from you.



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