Thursday, June 2, 2011

Racoons In The Chimney

We have some uninvited house chimney guests. 

I'm downstairs earlier, doing my own version of pilates (moves from high school gym class combined with a 90's video and instructions from a book I skimmed one day at the library) when I hear this chirping sound coming from the fireplace.

'Oh, how sweet, a bird must be sitting on the chimney,' I think.  But it's louder than a chirp, more like a squeal.


I get closer to the glass front of the fireplace and realize that raccoons are talking trash about me in the chimney, probably making fun of my moves. 

With great purpose, I bang on the metal border in a get-out-of-there-you-little-shits rhythm.  Something hisses at me.

That's it - time to get B-man.

'We have a big raccoon problem downstairs,' I say.

Ever the superhero, B-man says, 'I'll run smoke up the chimney 'cause we've got to get them out of there.'

And it has worked before.

But then I get all freaked out, envisioning the raccoons leaping through the glass cover onto B-man and wrestling him to the ground while Paige barks helplessly in the corner.

So, as he walks downstairs, I ask what I believe is a totally logical question. 

'Do you want the gun?'


'The gun - do you want it?'

He backs up the stairs and looks at me like I've had some kind of psychotic break.

'Did you say...the gun?'

'Well, yeah, now I'm all scared.'

He raises a quivering hand to his mouth in a mock gesture of fear.  I try to maintain Serious Face, but fail.

Thirty minutes later, B-man has started a full blown fire like we do on New Year's Eve.  Paige is upset because I'm making her stay upstairs with me.

So far, not a raccoon in sight.

image from


  1. Raccoon story aside - good tale, by the way - I was bemused to see that your feed has been hijacked in my Goggle reader by something called The Death of Cool.
    Tons of tattoo'd folk showed up, which doesn't bother me so much except that it's not really perfume or fun stories! lol
    I don't know if it's Just Me or if it's happened to other people who get your feed. May be worth checking out. I'm still chuckling...

  2. The same thing happened to me with The Death of Cool! Very odd.

    Back to 'coons: My friend Chris found a raccoon on his balcony once and was worried it would do all kinds of costly damage so was trying to scare it away, and the raccoon got spooked and leapt off the third floor to his death! He wanted the guy off his balcony, but he didn't want it to commit suicide.

  3. I thought those posts were a little off-topic for this blog. I also thought "Josephine likes Mux Mool too? That's awesome!"

    Bloody raccoons! They make terrible neighbours and even worse houseguests. Something tells me your houseguest now has an extra crispy butt.

  4. *jen, hi! Thanks for letting me know about the blog feed, although I'm not sure I know how to correct it...but will look into it. Glad you liked the raccoon tale anyway.

  5. Hey, Elisa - poor raccoon! They are really cute, which makes it hard to get too pissed at them. Still, I would prefer that they don't live in my need to end it all, however.

  6. Hi JoanElaine! I hope we didn't fry the little critters - we live in an area that has a ton of wildlife, so usually, I just roll with the invasion. But in the chimney is a little close to home... Just read that one is not supposed to start a fire to get them out (oops, we've done that several times). We're such rule breakers!



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