Monday, June 27, 2011

Three Day Cleanse - Kale From Hell


Tonight ends day two of a three day 'cleanse.'

You know that I've been a little...stuck in my fitness plan.  My magazine says this cleanse promises up to five pounds of weight loss in three days.  

Just a nice little nudge to my current plateau.

This is no bizarre, out there, wacko sort of cleanse.  It's not like I'm fasting, or doing some kind of sea salt flush - okay, I've done that - or an enema, for heaven's sake. 

Jeez, give me a little credit.

No, this cleanse is 1800 calories a day of godawful food.  Each day's menu is different, which means - so far - worse than the day before.

But, come on, it's only three days, right?  Now I know why.  Any more than that and B-man would have to coax me off the ledge of the deck.  

With, like, a Happy Snack.

I swear I'll jump. 

And can we talk about kale?  That is some nasty shit.  Brown rice with no salt and pumpkin seeds?  Eating that for lunch today, I almost start crying. 

But here's the kicker.  Many of these recipes are time intensive, so I spend an hour cleaning, chopping, cooking and pureeing only to discover the result is nearly inedible.  It takes work to make food taste this bad.

Tonight, after I dish up my slop kale on a plate, B-man says, with a straight face, 'that looks good.'

For a minute there, I think I have prepared something I can actually consume.  But after several excruciating bites, I put my fork down (seething inside), throw the rest in the garbage and decide that hunger is the best alternative.

If I were sane at all, I would stop this madness and go back to eating a regular, healthy diet.  But now, I'm just pissed enough to insist on finishing all three days.

I don't care about the five pounds anymore.

No freakin' cleanse is getting the best of me.

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4 comments:

  1. When I first started reading this post I thought "I should ask J for a copy of the cleanse" but by the end of it, I'm thinking 'ummm nope!' :)

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  2. Brown rice with no salt is just nasssssty.

    But kale rocks. You do have to cook the heck out of it (this is probably why it's a staple of traditional Southern country cooking - my mother never managed to figure out that spinach does not require the same cooking time that kale does, and her spinach was always slimy). And it does need a bit of salt. And the classic way to eat it round these parts is with a splash of cider vinegar, though I imagine balsamic would be pretty good too.

    OTOH, balsamic vinegar probably would mess up the cleanse... which I am not anywhere near brave enough to bother with. Bleargh. It only works if you *feel* better, right?

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  3. Hi Frida - actually the third day turned out to be kind of...delicious. If I were to do it again, I would skip the kale and the Swiss chard. And the soup. Everything else was doable. If you're curious, go to www.more.com. (this came from More magazine, one of my favorites).

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  4. Hi Muse - I've actually had kale before and thought it was...okay. Reading your comment, I know that the 'saute for 3-4 minutes' instructions were bogus. No wonder it had the texture of rubber.

    The weird thing is, I felt great physically on the cleanse, but had a hard time wrapping my mind around the process mentally.

    Thanks for your comment - good to see you!

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