Look, I love kids.
Okay, that's not really true, but I love my own kid, and I will love my grandchildren whenever they arrive. But the truth is, I don't love all kids all the time, everywhere. The truth is, I would welcome kid free shopping days or kid free restaurants. Maybe some people can shop, or eat, or do anything at all while their child is screaming, but it's more difficult for those of us who aren't on Valium. And maybe ignoring this behavior is all part of some new parenting technique, but I gotta tell you, it's irritating me.
Whatever happened to babysitters?
If kids aren't running loose, they're in strollers the size of SUVs. Just in case you didn't know, they have the right of way everywhere. When a stroller is barrelling through the crowd, you are to step aside, make cooing noises and comment on the child's beauty. That, or the stroller pusher will stare you down and sigh in exasperation because you don't know the rules of the road. (For the record, there are a lot of ugly babies out there.) And can someone please explain the phenomenon of the parent pushing the stroller while the child is trailing behind them screaming? Here's an idea: put the kid in the stroller so he's not stumbling around in 98 degree weather and give him a drink of water. Just a thought.
Even my office building, one of the only kid free zones on earth, has been invaded. Last Thursday, I am waiting for the elevator outside my office when the door opens and out comes seven kids under the age of...oh, I don't know...five, and a frazzled looking, very pregnant woman. The kids are all fighting, yelling and crying. Frazzled lady says, 'let's go surprise Daddy!' Jesus, poor Daddy. What if Daddy's in a meeting? Or in the middle of a project, or a conversation with his boss? As I hold the door for Mom and her parade of crying offspring, I can't help wonder how many more precious little darlings she and Daddy are planning to bring into the world.
I'm just sayin'.
Equally annoying are the mothers and fathers who are desperate to prove their skill to anyone within earshot and believe they are constantly auditioning for Parent of the Year.
'You are so smart!'
'Mommy loves you so much!'
'You're such a handsome boy!'
'When we get home, do you want Daddy to read you a book?'
Kiss, kiss, kiss, look lovingly into baby's eyes, kiss, kiss, kiss, lift baby in the air, kiss, kiss, look around to see who's watching, kiss, kiss.
I've considered printing fake certificates and carrying them with me at all times so I could hand them one and say, 'You win, okay? You're the most amazing parent I've ever seen. Perhaps on earth. Now please, for the love of God, stop.'
The last straw was Saturday after shopping at the farmer's market. Exhausted from dodging maniacal
Is nothing sacred?
Image from parenting.com