Black Aoud by Montale has been mentioned on my blog here. What wasn't quite right about it then is exactly right now. (This phenomenon, regarding many perfumes, will be explored in a later post.)
This morning, B-man and I made the two-hour trip to visit my father and then took him with us to Mom's grave. I had planned to wear Jolie Madame, because she liked that, but then it hit me that Black Aoud was the one that could truly capture the essence of the day. As I caught whiffs of myself now and then, what had previously seemed industrial had magically transformed into urbane and polished. The sandalwood was stunning.
Black Aoud seemed particularly elegant in the way it nudged a shift in mindset from grief to my awareness of freedom following my mother's death. Inner Critic clears his throat. "If you feel free now, this soon after the loss of your mother, that can only mean one thing; you didn't love her enough."
But I did love her and I always will. At the same time, I am now free to behave and appear exactly as I want without her watchful eye. I miss her watchful eye. My emotions are a mixed bag of weirdness that changes from day to day, sometimes hour to hour.
Honestly, I am just doing the best I can to move on with life, like anyone who has lost a loved one. Today, Black Aoud helped with that process, creating a new space in my awareness and pointing the way into the future.