Seriously, Who Farted?

 

 Have you ever thought about the power of smell in your work environment?

Mid afternoon yesterday, as I am wrapping up a meeting with two colleagues in my office, I notice a foul odor.  

You know, the 'who farted?' smell.

I am flooded with thoughts of , 'which one of you slipped one out?'  'Did you really think I wouldn't notice?'  'Dude, fart in your own office.'

We end our meeting and I flip the reeds in my Saint Parfum 'Cut Hay' diffuser.  Now my office smells like cow shit on hay. 

Right about then, I hear a commotion outside my door. My staff is up in arms. 'What is that awful smell?'  'I can't focus!'  'I'm going to throw up!'  

My assistant contacts engineering and says, with her usual, understated tact,  'we have a strange odor that smells a little bit like sewage.'  

That's why I hired her. 

Apparently, the entire hospital has been invaded by the smell of a silent, greasy fart.

Don't act like you've never done it.

In spite of the awful smell, I'm fighting a deadline on a document so I do the same Mind Over Matter trick that I employ during potluck dinners and huge buffets, and continue working at my computer.  

But all I can do is imagine broken pipes creating rivers of raw sewage floating above me, just waiting to drip through my ceiling tiles onto my head, my computer and everything else in my office.

So I mingle with my staff instead, trying to calm them, acting like it's no big deal.

After about an hour, the odor begins to subside and we all return to our work.

Come to find out, it isn't sewage that is causing the smell.  Apparently, the grease from our cafeteria is stored in a huge underground bin behind the hospital.  Yearly, the bin is opened and cleaned out.  The cold air forces the smell of this year-old substance down into our air vents and throughout the hospital.

If only it had been as simple as a fart. 

Picture from translinktales.wordpress.com

Why Do You Celebrate Christmas If You're Not Religious?

I'm not a religious person.

Neither am I anti- religion.  In fact, I borrow from a variety of beliefs all the time, as it suits me.

But anything that smells like group-think makes me crazy.  And the thought of adopting one set of beliefs for the rest of my life - without the option of changing my mind - makes me even crazier.

So I float.

Try explaining the floating theory to a deeply religious person.

Seriously, if you ever get bored.

More than once, I've been asked why I celebrate Christmas if I'm not a Christian.  I find this question curious and somewhat arrogant.  Perhaps that's because it is always asked by Christians, in a tone that says, 'either join our ranks or stop crashing our party, you poseur hypocrite.'

Actually, I will answer that question, religious person, if you will explain your glee over Halloween. Why do you create a pretend cemetery in your yard (complete with bones protruding from the ground), and paint a fake bullet hole on your 5-year-old's forehead before going out and bugging the living hell out of your neighbors?

Oh, I see.  That's all in fun.

Do Not get me started on Halloween.

The truth is, I'm not sure what Christmas means to me.  At 51 years old, I still haven't figured this out.  

Sure, I have childhood memories - lovely memories - but, as an adult, I'm a bit lost when it comes to Christmas.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

Thanksgiving makes sense.

Christmas?  Not so much. 

Of course, I can understand celebrating the baby Jesus, but when you add cranky shoppers, Santa Claus (the ongoing lie of which has always been a WTF issue for me) over-the-top decorations and Salvation Army bell ringers, it gets a little weird. 

Throw in the family party where everyone gets drunk and fights, or the family party where everyone fights, and just wishes they were drunk, and you have one Merry-ass Christmas.

Nevertheless, every year I try to reinvent Christmas, hoping I will Finally Get It Right.  And every year, as it gets closer, I feel anxious and overwhelmed.  Somehow, I manage to stumble through it, and occasionally, I even enjoy myself. 

While it's true that, as a  'floater,' I may not have the validation of religion to back me, I will continue to celebrate my own, clumsy version of Christmas every year.  Why?

Simply because I can.

Picture from pets.webshots.com

Ode to Bvlgari Black

 Hot Windy Day

New Shower Curtain

Coconut Milk

Bicycle Inner Tube

Fresh Asphalt

Gingerbread Man

Construction Paper

Picture from fragranceparadise.com

Fashion Tips From Baby sis

Hi, it's Baby sis. 

As Josephine says, I love fashion!  More than half of my adult life has been spent in every aspect of retail.  Currently, I work in visual merchandising, which gives me the opportunity to see all kinds of fashion violations.  I see women who try too hard, women who need to try harder and those who think that they are pulling off great fashion but have missed the mark horribly.  

On occasion, I see women who look fantastic.

Here are some fashion basics I have learned that I hope will help everyone:

Challenge some of your fashion “rules.” 

Look at fashion magazines - I learn a lot there!  Here's the deal: you can wear almost any color if you select the right shade for your skin tone.  And yes, trends come and go but the classics live forever.  Therefore, be sure to build a wardrobe with a solid foundation of classics.  For example, a white button down shirt, a basic black skirt or trouser, a go-to blazer…you get the idea. 

Don’t get all hung up on size. 

It makes me sad when I see women attach their self-esteem to that number inside their clothes.  Fabric is typically cut in huge stacks and sometimes the variances in different runs of the same garment can be up to half an inch or more.  If you had any idea the VAST difference in sizes, you would realize how ridiculous this is.  Also the difference between the sizing from one manufacturer to another can be significant.  Use size as a guide and get over the number - it can make all the difference in your shopping experience!  Cut out the tag when you get home if you need to.  Who gives a shit what the size says if it fits you well? 

Pony up the dough for a NICE bra and some shapewear.

 

I cannot stress enough the importance of a properly fitting bra and a little shapewear.  Realize that most of us over the age of 20-something have that little belly pooch we are always trying to hide.  Yes, even celebrities.  Really nice shapewear can be pricey so keep in mind that you can also get such things at discount retailers like Target and Kmart.  They do the trick for a bit less cash.  However, a bra fitting is a must.  This is the place to make an investment. 

Select a well-fitting pair of trousers or jeans. 

Women of ANY age or size can look great in jeans if you take the time to select a fit that flatters your shape.  We live in a wonderful age where jean manufacturers have realized the beauty of Spandex and contouring in jean design.  The retailer I work for offers several fits of jeans.  One requirement upon my employment was to try on every single fit they have (smart!).  I am a curvy girl and there are really only two cuts that flatter my shape, so I stick to them. 

A word about skinny jeans.

Yes, they are trendy right now.  While the sucked-to-your-leg-all-the-way-down look really needs to be reserved for the tall and slender, I have found some straight leg cuts with ample room in the ass and leg that give me the same silhouette as a skinny jean and they are much more flattering.  If you are heavier in the middle, stick to a wider leg or boot cut trouser.  Also make sure your pants are long enough.  I see women all the time who almost have a look pulled together and then their pants are too short.  This creates problems as it “cuts you in half,” making you look shorter and your legs look heavier.  Get them as close to the ground without touching as you can, and wear a shoe the same color as your pants.  This gives you a longer, leaner look.  Ask questions when you go shopping about various cuts and don't be afraid to try on 5 pairs to find the right one. 

I hope these basics help and if anyone has a specific question, I will be happy to respond via Josephine.  It's an honor to be a guest blogger and let me just say that whatever I have done for Josephine's fashion, she has done for me with perfume. 

 

Photo from notesfromjosephine.blogspot.com

Flirting Guidelines & Perfumes That Flirt

Elisa, over at The French Exit, got me thinking about flirting. 

Personally, I see flirting as an intellectual sport that one must practice regularly to be proficient.

B-man and I encourage each other to flirt at every opportunity. This keeps us in shape to flirt with each other.  Sometimes, though, I have to let B-man know that he is being flirted with, because he assumes everyone is just friendly, like him. 

Actually, I enjoy flirting with both men and women.  While sexy, it is neither physical nor romantic. In other words, flirting itself is not a means to an end or a bridge to the next step.

Flirting is a stimulating brain romp with someone you find attractive. 

Josephine's Guidelines For Successful Flirting

1.  Play It Cool.  This is of utmost importance.  One must take the time to read human behavior, such as the flirtee's style and humor and method of interacting.  Jumping in too soon has the feel of desperation and increases your chances of failure.  A certain amount of reserve is very powerful...and magnetic.

2.  Say one provocative thing.  All you want to do here is pique the flirtee's interest in a way that no one else has.  This may be through humor or offering a counter opinion to the subject matter at hand.  It may also be a random reflection on something you heard the flirtee say.  If you have observed properly, you will know what this is and when to step in. 

3.  Smell Really Good.  You want to create a trail of sillage everywhere you go without overpowering the room.  Your flirtee will be drawn to you without realizing it's because you smell so damn good.  The right perfume, at the right time, will speak volumes.

4.  Make eye contact.  Listen as if everything your flirtee says is fascinating.  Use a small nod, smile or head cock when they say something you really like.  But keep your gestures subtle and maintain private physical space.  There is no touching.

5.  Ask a question, or make a comment, that takes the conversation where you want it to go.  Again, this works best if it is connected to something the flirtee has already said.  For example, 'what's your theory on that?' or  'what you said made me wonder if...' will invite discussion and allow you to reveal a bit more about yourself.  But just a bit.

6.  Food and wine are both sexy - make the most of it.  Ask your flirtee if they have tried one of the hors d' oeuvres or make a comment about the aperitif.  This will open the door for entertaining conversation.

7.  Find opportunities to be self-deprecating.  Only confident people can do this.  And confidence is very important to the successful flirting encounter.  Let your flirtee discover that you are smart, funny and interesting on his or her own. Show them, don't tell them.

8.  Make sure your flirtee observes you in animated conversation with others.  Do this after you have made a connection.   He or she will spend the entire event gravitating to where you are.  Flirting satisfaction depends partially upon who is being pursued.  That should be you.

9.  If you are in a committed relationship, mention your partner occasionally and positively.  This creates safety and freedom in flirting.  Knowing you are loved well by another makes you that much more appealing.  If your flirtee's partner happens to be attending the event, introduce yourself openly and graciously to diffuse potential jealousy. 

10.  End the encounter with warmth and finality.  Let the flirtee know how much they have contributed to your experience.  Do not exchange contact information.  Do not walk them outside.  Leave them only with the enigmatic memory of you.  Maybe you'll see them again, maybe you won't.  That's so not the point.

Ten Perfumes That Flirt For You:

10 Corso Como

Agent Provocateur

Ambre Sultan

Burberry Brit

Dune

Fracas

Jean-Paul Gaultier Classique

Kenzo L'Elephant

Poeme

White Aoud

Picture from fotosearch.com

Remembering and Wishing

Today, walking through the hospital, I realize that one of our music volunteers is playing Clair de Lune on the grand piano in the lobby.  This is one of my mother's favorite songs, and it was played at her funeral.

Mesmerized, I stop to listen, start to walk away and then stop again.  I imagine that my mother is standing beside me, reveling in the beauty of this classical piece.  

How I wish I could call her tonight.

At home, later, I apply DSH Memory & Desire.  This dark, inky perfume comforts me and resonates precisely with the yearning of a motherless daughter.

Mom would have loved it, too.

Picture from fineartamerica.com

In Treatment: What It's Really Like To Be A Therapist

 

Does anyone else follow HBO's In Treatment?

I love this show.

No, I hate this show.

Either way, I can't stop watching it.

See, I used to be a mental health therapist.  Have you ever wondered what that's like?

Let's pretend you are the therapist.  This is a typical day (all of these examples are actual cases):

First, you rush to work to finish up writing treatment plans and session notes from yesterday's patients because you were too exhausted the night before.  

The paperwork is never ending.

Patient #1: Your first patient is the surviving sibling of a 16-year-old who hanged herself from the high school bleachers.  She doesn't really want to talk about her sister, but her mother is hysterical.  You spend the session with both of them, calming the mother, hoping to have a chance to meet with your patient alone next time.

You have ten minutes to write the treatment plan and chart note.  

Your next patient is waiting.

Patient #2:  This patient is a 17-year-old girl who is so pissed off to be in therapy that she refuses to speak.  This is her second session.  Finally, after 30 minutes of silence, you say, 'do you play poker?'  She does, as it turns out, and you spend the next 30 minutes talking about her parents' fighting and impending divorce.

Patient #3:  Of course, you have favorite patients, and your next appointment is one of them.  She's a 9-year-old who is so anxious she can hardly function.  And she is so smart that no one knows what to do with her.  Her parents simply think she's a problem and they want you to 'fix' her.  As is often the case, she's not the one who needs fixing.

You're already behind on your paperwork. 

Stuff down your lunch before your next patient arrives.

Patient #4:  Now, a family session with a 16-year-old boy that constantly threatens his mother and siblings.  Both parents, and your patient, are in your office.  Dad appears to be...high.  Mom is talking about her son and scolding him for his misbehavior.  In the middle of the session, your patient stands up and yells, 'you fucking bitch!'  You're afraid he might attack his mother in your office.  You stand up and say 'stop!'  As if he couldn't kick your ass, too  He sits down, you establish ground rules and finish the session.

Your next patient is waiting.

Patient #5:  She is 15-years old and she has fallen in love with an 18-year-old girl.  Her family is very conservative and religious.  Her parents are convinced that, if she stops hanging out with this friend, she will begin dating boys and everything will be fine.  This is the family's second session.  You meet with the patient alone and then with the parents alone.  You gently explore the 'what ifs' around your patient's sexuality.  Parents get up, walk out and demand a therapist of their own faith.

Hurry up and do the chart note.

Last patient.  It's a light day.

Patient #6: This patient is a 16-year-old boy in state custody.  He has a terminal heart condition and is non-compliant with all of his treatment.  He won't take his medication, plus he drinks and does drugs.  The state has removed him from his unstable mother's care.  He is living with a foster family.  He needs a heart transplant.  With his current behavior, the doctors have refused.  Without help, he will die soon.

No more patients today.

You haven't left your office since you arrived at work.  

You need to pee.

You have paperwork. 

You're so emotionally spent you can hardly speak.

You'll come back tomorrow and do it all over again.

Sometimes, in the middle of an episode of In Treatment, I have to shut it off and return to it later because I remember how oppressive it is to be faced with people's pain all day, every day, again and again. 

But I can't stop watching.

Picture from tv.com