Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Mom In My Dreams
Last night, Mom visited my dream. Again. This is the third time since she died, for sure, because I've blogged about two others. And it seems like there was one more, but I can't be certain because it's not recorded anywhere.
This is the first time we've had actual dialogue.
When I see her, my heart beats louder and my 'asleep but awake' brain races. 'Oh, my God, it's Mom,' I say to myself. She's sitting at the end of my bed, like a girlfriend at a slumber party.
She says, 'What's up with the grandkids?'
I ask what she means.
'Well, as soon as I knew I would die, I just let go...of all of them.'
I say nothing.
She asks, or says, something about my brother. 'Is he okay?' That's what I heard.
Then, 'I was there on Thursday at eight, and I'll be back again this week.'
Huh. Thursday at eight...morning or night? And will she be back this Thursday at eight, or just some random time this week?
Now, because I have her captive, I quickly search my mind for questions I want to ask.
Me: 'Can you be with us anytime you want?'
Her: 'Not really. I have five other places to go.' I have the feeling that she is responsible for these areas in some way.
Me: 'Are you with your family?'
I ask if she has seen my sister's former husband, who died years ago.
'No, not yet.'
Me: 'Do you like it there?'
She shrugs slightly and says, 'yeah.' Like I had asked someone here, 'do you like planet Earth?'
Then it was over.
Her easiness - her lightness - has stayed with me throughout the day and given me peace. This is significant because Mom was not a 'light' person. She felt things deeply, heavily, and grieved circumstances she could neither change nor control. This fed her melancholy and frequently, her despair.
But not last night. I saw my mother involved in a life that has importance beyond us. She was not grieving, not sad, but simply in step with a new way of being.
And she'll be back...this week.
image from cknaus.net