Thursday, April 25, 2013
Airplane Farting Follow-up: What Are People Supposed to Do?
I'm home sick today with a fever, cough and assorted flu-like stuff. This means I had to cancel lunch with my son, JD, which sucks because we look forward to getting together, laughing and talking about everything under the sun. We talk on the phone instead, and after a good 45 minutes of covering the basics, he mentions my rant about farting on the plane.
Our conversation looks like this:
JD: Hey, I liked your rant. Honestly, I feel sorry for you for getting farted on, but for people that really need to fart, what are they supposed to do?
Me: Mouth breathing while rolling a tissue between my fingers.
JD: I mean, I can totally see myself farting on a plane, especially if I just ate something that didn't agree with me.
Me: Well, exhibit A for people not stuffing down food before they get on a plane.
JD: That doesn't make you fart.
Me: Yes it does because if food is eaten too fast, it creates air bubbles in your intestines that have to be farted out.
JD: You know this for a scientific fact.
Me: It's a sound theory and I'm going with it.
JD: So people are never supposed to eat before getting on a plane?
Me: They can eat, but maybe the big breakfast burrito with whole jalapenos is a bad choice.
JD: Okay, but what if they just have a plain old burger and it doesn't sit well with them?
Me: Then they should try to use the bathroom on the plane so they don't have to fart all the way home.
JD: Maybe they go take a crap but still have to fart. Then what are they supposed to do?
Me: They're supposed to smash their butt cheeks together and hold it until we land.
JD: Really...hold it for three hours?
Me: Okay, I can tolerate one fart - ONE - but only if they will pass out otherwise.
JD: If I have to fart and I'm in a crowded place, I just do it.
Me: Oh god, don't tell me that.
JD: Well, it's true.
We go round and round, chiding each other and throwing out bogus theories until we exhaust the subject and I am forced to admit he has a point that I cannot solidly beat down. Now I'm thinking perhaps passengers could be screened for farting and farting tolerance when booking a flight.
They can sit in Zone 4.
Image from catholicmannight.com