Saturday, April 20, 2013

Rant: No Farting On Airplanes, Please



Flying etiquette has gone right down the toilet.  Yesterday, as I'm sitting in the gate area, waiting to board the plane, people are stuffing down food like it might run away if they don't eat fast enough.  Then, they burp loudly to announce to the world that they consumed a sandwich bigger than their head in less than two minutes.  I have to wonder if they chew at all.

But farting is saved for the plane.

We all know fart sillage.  Is it food?  Is it poop?  Nope, it's a fart.  All the way home (an almost three hour flight), every fifteen or twenty minutes, the silent green killer hits me in the face.  Since we're squished on the flight like sardines, it's hard to know who's responsible for this despicable act. Not that I would expect a confession.  Random farters are likely random liars.  'Nuh-uh, I didn't do it - I would never do something like that!'

After a few assaults, I get so annoyed that I become Ace Ventura, Fart Detective.  The guy in front of me keeps fidgeting around in his seat, which makes him my first suspect.  After every flare up, it's all I can do to keep from hitting the back of his chair with my palm and saying, 'hey, Baseball Cap, go take a dump or put a cork up your butt, just stop farting!'  But wait - what if Baseball Cap is an innocent victim, thinking the same thing as me, and it's actually Business Suit that's slipping out the silent stinkers?  No one's going to suspect him.  Or maybe it's Meaningless Comments guy sitting right next to me, who says things before takeoff like, 'boy, ya don't see mountains here, do ya?' and 'warmer here than California.'  He fits the profile.

I finally realize I'm wasting my time and I'll have to just deal with it. The flight is jammed, so there's nowhere else to go.  However, I do consider using the call light to request the flight attendant trade me places and catch the fart perp while I work the drink tray and spend 30 minutes saying, 'peanuts, pretzels or cookies?'  How hard can it be?

And why have I so benevolently decided not to wear perfume on airplanes? At least I could bury my nose in my elbow when someone decides to casually unleash farts throughout a flight.  Come to think of it, why can't I claim severe allergies to bad body odor, hair that hasn't been washed for weeks and, of course, farting.  None of them belong on an airplane, and let's face it, they make breathing difficult. 

Hmmm...I could end up working that cart, after all.

Image from gizmodo.com


11 comments:

  1. Just about fell off the chair laughing, but boy, is it true. It's the pits being stuck up someplace where someone does that. Elevators are also ghastly for that. (just imagine how long it takes them to get properly ventilated for the next passenger)

    Thanks for the laugh!!

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    Replies
    1. Hi PerfumShrine - you're right, elevator farts could be even worse! At least I could blow air and the smell would eventually go away...until the next one. Glad you enjoyed the post - thanks for stopping by!

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  2. I have no problem wearing perfume on a plane, nope, not at all. Also when, not if the farts begin, I break out my lavender oil, put a drop in my hands, and rub them together.

    All is fair in this situation!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, I like your idea of lavendar oil. In the future, I will do what is necessary to protect myself from these aromatic assaults. Thanks for your comment!

      Delete
  3. Hmm, try the gym next time. The other day I got stuck on a rowing machine between two guys, one of which was farting up a storm of gas that smelled like yesterday's stale curry... Not good.

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    Replies
    1. Michael - that's disgusting - LOL! It's like if people are in a crowd, they feel anonymous, like no one will know who did it. If only silent bubbles above one's head would identify him or her as a farter...then their picture could be posted for everyone to see. That seems fair, don't you think?

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  4. I beg to differ on the post's title -apparently SOME people aren't going to the toilet. At all. I'd perfume or essential oil as defense/offense/retaliation.I've had the same thing happen in choir -where we aren't allowed to wear fragrance due to some members allergies/migraines. Okay . But farts and wintergreen (Wintergreen makes me nauseous) are allowable? I had to mouth breathe only during the last rehersal.Resulting in less vocal range and stamina(no I can not hit those high notes and hold them for 7 measures while only breathing through my mouth.Just saying.)

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jennifer - sorry to hear about your choir experience. Yes, we all have to protect the precious ones that have an allergy to perfume, but who's protecting us from farters? And the BO reekers? It's maddening. Thanks for your comment!

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  5. The funniest story that I have read in a long time! I too got stuck on a smelly plane once. The trip was from Minneapolis to Fargo and there were 5 people on the plane. No one was sitting around me so I had to assume that it was the troll like male flight attendant that obviously had some gastric problems. Nastiness!

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    Replies
    1. Hi scentedhound - I have to say this is the first time I've been trapped on 'fart plane.' But wow, five people on a plane and you still got assaulted? You're right - total nastiness. Thanks for the comment!

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