Sunday, November 4, 2012

Still Driven: Looking for Lightning

Today, I'm reading about Taylor Swift's new album, 'Red.'  It's another huge hit for her and she's what...22 years old?  I start wondering why some people are successful at such a young age and others aren't?  What determines where lightning strikes?

Exactly how different would my life would be if I had Taylor's wealth?  Where would I go?  How would I spend my time?  In the end, money would be nice, but really, it's just money.  I also want Hillary Clinton's power and Steve Jobs' genius.

I've always been driven.

Last week, JD stopped by the house to see how the landscaping was going.  As usually happens whenever he and I are in the same room, we start talking about our lives after about five minutes of general updates.  That's one of the things I love most about him; he is devoid of bullshit and is not afraid to reveal his deepest thoughts with confidence and grace.

I can't remember exactly what led to his comment, but JD said, 'Growing up, I never saw you just as my mother, but as this driven woman who also happened to be my Mom.'  'I knew you loved me, but I always knew I wasn't your whole life.'

Even though he said this as if it was a good thing, I wish I had hidden it a little better.  My inner life and my desire to create something big - something of my own - has dominated my attention over all other things and, if I'm honest, over most relationships, too.  My therapist once described this trait with great understanding and compassion by saying, 'that's simply because you are self interested.'  We laughed hard together because no one had ever reframed my own perceived selfishness into something I could accept and embrace as an authentic part of myself.

My drive to achieve is as strong now as it has ever been, even though my ultimate goal is still unclear, even to me.  Plus, I find myself - shockingly - at 53 years old, so I feel a sense of urgency and know that time will win out in the end.  Every day, I continue to push myself higher and to search for those places I where I can make a positive difference.  Sure, I feel the clock ticking, but it's never too late for lightning to strike.

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  1. In my humble opinion, I think you are making a difference. And I admire and am a bit envious of your drive. You're absolutely right - it's never too late for that lightening strike!

  2. Carol, your comments always make me feel good. Having drive is a double edged sword - I'm not sure how I feel about it, even at this point in my life. Is it time wasted or is it worth something in the end? And what have I let go to pursue this...thing that may or may not materialize? I suppose we all have dreams, regrets and aspirations. Thanks for believing in the lightning strike!

    1. oh thanks J! I don't think any knowledge/drive/experience is time wasted! We all have dreams and regrets. For me, at this time, I am quite content with just living-by-day, but I need that lightening strike SOON! We are YOUNG yet - just think, we have at least 30 years more of life to live!

  3. Replies
    1. Joan, thanks for saying that. It's always nice to have kindred spirits.



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