Monday, March 28, 2011

Letting Go And Inviting My Happy Back

Over the past year, I've wondered at times if happiness would ever be mine again.

Following a year of sad times and dark days, I'm ready to invite joy - that giddy, twirly, innocent happy - back into my life.  

I've missed it desperately.

This requires a new level of letting go.  Letting go of regret, letting go of anger and letting go of Mom.  

It feels weird just to write that. 

Of course, grief doesn't just begin and end at our prescribing, and I expect times of sadness will find me at surprising moments for the rest of my life.

But no level of grief will ever bring her back or undo what was done or make the end of her life any less painful.  Nothing will ever change that. 

Living my life fully and well, however, is still within 
my grasp.

As the wound of losing my mother begins to heal, I'm starting to rethink next steps.  In doing this, I'm aware that some residuals of grief, including caution and fear, have transferred to other areas of my life.

For example, I am less certain of my ability to be successful in any endeavor I might take on.  Prior to Mom's illness and death, my confidence was high and I regularly took professional risks to keep myself engaged and passionate.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped taking risks.

Plus, my failures seem larger to me now and I have less trust in the wisdom of the universe.  Feeling vulnerable, it is easy to second guess myself and my decisions day-to-day.

I didn't do that before.

Finally, I'm trying to balance my need for happiness while being supportive of those who are still in the throes of grief.  My father's loneliness is palpable and my siblings are moving through this process at their own pace and in their own time.

As it should be.

Still, I crave the deep, hearty laughter that renews my heart, mind and spirit.  Something inside me knows that happiness is waiting.  I have glimpses now and then of feeling genuinely good, optimistic and at peace. 

I have also lived long enough to know that joy is multiplied when it is sought after and recognized.  We face every day answering, how will we approach the world?   And where will we find light and happiness?

For the first time in a year, I embrace these questions.

image from


  1. This was very brave of you to write. Not because of what readers, strangers like myself will think, but for the emotional and psychic tide that wells up and carries this message out of you and into the world. Bravo! I send a wave of heartfelt loving peace to you and your family. May the joy and laughter we all crave be within your easy reach...Namaste

  2. Josephine I'm truly glad that you are feeling the way you are and that you are taking those steps back towards fulfilled happiness. Wish you all the best.

  3. Hi Josephine,

    Glad you are finding a way back to happiness - spring should also help. I know what you mean about taking fewer risks and being more upset by failures. In my case that is probably down to hormones, but losing a parent can also be destabilising in terms of sapping morale and energy levels.

  4. queen_cupcake, thanks so much for your comment. I'm not sure how brave it is, but it's time for me to turn the corner back to happiness. Thanks, too, for your loving wishes - I truly feel them.

  5. Michael, hi. I guess before feeling better after grief, one must give oneself permission to move on. Perhaps that's the hardest part. I'm looking forward to the future. Thanks, as always, for your comment.

  6. Vanessa, so good to see you! Yes, I am very much looking forward to spring! My energy is returning and the future looks bright once again. Hope you're doing well after all of your travels!



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