Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Standing In The Sun Once Again

Has the feeling of relief ever taken you by surprise?

Over the past couple of months, we have been dealing with a health concern of Dad's.

From the beginning, I told myself it would most likely be 'nothing,' meaning a simple condition with an equally simple treatment. 

Always the pragmatist, I held my fear at bay, knowing there is much beyond our control.  Knowing, too, that worry does little to help anyone and nothing to reverse the course of life.

This I learned when we lost Mom.

Last Thursday, I was set to accompany Dad to the hospital for further testing, which included an ultrasound and a biopsy.  Working in a medical environment, I hoped to help him navigate the system and glean all of the information he wanted and needed.

I was cool as a cucumber.

Right up until Wednesday night.

That's when it hit me that I could be shielding myself through denial; that we may well be heading down a path that wasn't simple at all.  I contemplated losing him, the parent to whom I feel the closest connection.

In bed that night, I cried - a little kid, sobby cry - feeling afraid for myself and so very protective of him.

Please, not Dad.  Not yet.

Feeling inadequate to provide the comfort and companionship he needed, I talked with Mom and asked her to help Dad and me in whatever way she could.

After falling into a deep sleep, I woke up Thursday morning ready to face the day.  Knowing I needed a boost of comfort and strength, I reached once again for Montale's White Aoud.  Its medicinal top note added a wink and a nod of good luck to our hospital visit.

Once the testing was over, which included significant physical pain for my dad, we came away with reassurance and optimism.  Regardless of the final results of the testing, which we will have later this week, Dad's condition is treatable and not life threatening.  

He's going to be okay.  We both felt Mom was there.

Until now, I didn't realize just how much fear I was carrying under the surface of my emotions.  Suddenly, everything feels lighter and more vibrant, like a new path has opened before me and the sun has come out again.

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  1. Thanks *jen - hugs received and much appreciated.

    Nice to see your face!

  2. I wish a lot of strength and health to you and your loved ones.

  3. I hope the results were good. I am sure your Mum was there .I lost my Mum three years ago but when down can still sob and ask for my Mum .We will always be our parent's children.

  4. Glad you're getting back on track Josephine, and feeling a little better about things.

  5. Undina, thank you so much for your kind wishes.

  6. Hi Angela - you are so right...sometimes I just want my mom. Whether or not she could handle everything as we were growing up, we certainly believed she could. I miss that little kid sense of comfort. Thanks so much for your comment.

  7. Michael, hi - you've really traveled the journey with me over the past year, haven't you? You kindness and encouragement has been steady and consistent. Thank you so much.



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