|Last night - the first night warm enough to use our deck|
My mother's absence is more pronounced than last year, even though, on Mother's Day, it had been only three months since she died. Perhaps I was still numb or just lost in the survival mode of grief.
Mom's death has a clarity now that it lacked then.
I dreamed about her Friday night. My family was at the hospital, trying to decide whether to remove life support because Mom had been comatose for days.
While we were discussing this dilemma, she woke up. Mom began moving around and the nurse helped her up from the bed. With assistance, she walked to the far end of her hospital room.
As she walked back, she looked at me and stopped. Mom said my name, took both of my hands in hers and communicated her love strongly and clearly, even though her exact words are lost to me now.
But the feeling of her love has stayed with me.
Yesterday was a stunning day, sunny and warm. B-man and I drove to Park City to enjoy the weather and do a little shopping.
As we're checking out at one of our favorite stores, a woman brings a little boy to the front who has lost his mom. He's about five years old, sobbing and frightened. The woman helping him says, 'we need to page this little guy's mother.'
Right then, his mother walks up and says, 'it's okay, I'm here.' Her son throws himself into her arms, still sobbing, and she comforts him, saying she was worried, too, and that she's sorry he got separated from her.
Suddenly, I remember a time I lost my mother in a grocery store when I was about the same age. I, too, was crying and frightened and a store employee helped me find Mom. I remember seeing her, clinging to her legs and crying tears of relief.
Watching this scene play out yesterday touched me deeply, tapping into my loneliness for Mom and the relief I would feel to see her just one more time.
Dreaming of her was a treasured gift. Even though I'm feeling blue today, when I think of Mom, I will remember the only thing that really matters; her love for me. And mine for her.
photo my own