Saturday, April 24, 2010

Unscented Grief

Four days in a row without wearing perfume.  Not like me at all.

I spent Sunday through Thursday in Dallas, attending yet another conference.  At the last minute, trying to pack light, I decided to leave perfume altogether thinking I might have time to do some reconnaissance once I got there.  Never happened.

What I didn't see coming, having felt quite together lately, was how sad I would be in Dallas.  Usually, I love traveling alone, but this time, I was just lonely; for B-man, for my son and for our goofy pets. 

Most of all, I was lonely for my mother.  Two months out, the reality - and permanence - of her death is just beginning to sink in.  

Our family went through a traumatic time with Mom's surgery and attempted recovery over a six month period. We were all so full of optimism and hope at the front end.  As it turned out, we were tested beyond what we thought we could endure and circumstances became more difficult than any of us imagined.  Thank god we made it through.  

All of us except Mom.  This hits me sometimes as if I have just been informed of her death.  Her absence fills every space, and yet, she is nowhere.

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